‘The Wish List’ Movie Posters

Posted on March 30, 2012 | Leave a comment
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That’s right, The Wish List is now available in poster form:

FRENEMIES WITH BENEFITS

When a young woman’s longtime male best friend turns into a flesh-eating zombie, the two start sleeping together.

ESCALATION

A contained thriller set entirely on a shopping mall escalator.  A freshly laid off mall employee gets mixed up with a twisted sociopath who forces him to continue going up the down escalator in order to stay alive.

POST-IT

A quirky tale about an off-center middle manager who works for a faceless corporation and his best friend who is a Post-It Note.

SNAGGED

When his only daughter’s bag of pretzel M&Ms goes missing at the petting zoo, a vengeful father sets out to track it down. TAKEN but with goats.

STALK

A retelling of JACK AND THE BEANSTALK, flipped on its head and told from the point of view of the beanstalk.

For more on The Wish List, click here.  Graphic Design work by Emily Sklar (emilyskardesign.com)

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5 Reasons To Get Excited About St. Patrick’s Day

Posted on March 17, 2012 | Leave a comment

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Put on your drinking shoes because it’s almost St. Patrick’s Day – or as nobody calls it, “Irish Cinco de Mayo.” And who doesn’t enjoy a holiday devoted to the consumption of beer? Pregnant women and people on antibiotics – that’s who doesn’t. But for everyone else, crank up the Cranberries and get ready to party! Actually, on second thought, please turn the Cranberries back down.

Irish Pubs

In general, day drinking at an Irish Pub tends to be limited to hardcore sports fans, alcoholics, and thugs who look like they just broke somebody’s wrist in The Departed.  But on St. Patrick’s Day, these normally dark and depressing dives are transformed into dark and depressing dives that are also super crowded!  So shove your way through the throngs of drunken revelers and order that Irish Car Bomb which, incidentally, is the second most racist drink after The Black Russian.

Wearing Green

Remember in elementary school how you had to wear green or somebody would pinch you?  First of all, how was that not harassment?  Or bullying?  But don’t worry about that right now, because you can still enjoy the same vaguely inappropriate fun thanks to your co-workers who feel compelled to pinch you if you’re not wearing green.  And there’s always that guy who doesn’t appear to be wearing green on first glance.  But wait just a minute – he’s wearing cloverleaf boxers!  And now he’s going to show them to you!  This year St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Saturday so you probably won’t be able to enjoy the festivities at work.  But that’s okay because there’s always that handsy cashier at Trader Joe’s.

Kissing Irish People

Always wanted to kiss an Irish person but never had express written consent?  Well here’s your chance!  ”Kiss Me I’m Irish” merchandise is your sure bet to getting lucky on St. Patrick’s Day.  However, you may also want to bring another shirt that reads “Look, I drank a lot of Guinness last night and may not have used my best judgment so would you please just drive me home thanks, I’m Irish.”

St. Patrick’s Day Movies

Unlike many other holidays, there really aren’t any movies about St. Patrick’s Day.  In fact, your options are pretty much limited to My Left Foot and Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood.  But what more do you need?  A romantic comedy with a dozen storylines that intersect on St. Patrick’s Day?  A body switch movie where two best friends find their luck changing after they drink some magical green beer?  Or how about an animated family film about Lucky the unlucky four-leaf clover who only has three leaves?  No need!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find me pot o’ gold, homey.  (a line that I’m just assuming is inLeprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood.)

Shamrock Shakes

No sarcasm here. These things are straight-up delicious.

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11 Oscar Predictions to Help You Win Your Pool

Posted on February 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

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Hollywood’s biggest night is almost here. That’s right … the domestic release of Mirror Mirror! But also, the Oscars. Here are 11 predictions that are sure to help you win your Oscar pool:

1. The Artist wins Best Picture. But despite all the accolades, everyone is still upset that Uggie the Dog wasn’t nominated. Because as everyone knows, nothing is more important to dogs than awards shows. Fortunately just then, Uggie comes racing into the Kodak Theater on War Horse.

2. Glenn Close wins Best Actress for Albert Nobbs. Meryl Streep graciously applauds her colleague on her first Oscar … but can’t help herself and suddenly charges the stage. A fight breaks out between Glenn Close and Meryl Streep, complete with hair pulling and F-bombs, before they are both unceremoniously dragged off stage by presenters Colin Firth and Kermit the Frog.

3. George Clooney wins Best Actor for The Descendants. During his speech, he makes self-deprecating comments and playful jabs at Brad Pitt. Because they’re just like us.

4. Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress for The Help. She gives an emotional speech about how dreams can come true while the camera cuts to Morgan Freeman, Halle Berry, Jennifer Hudson, and for some reason Tom Hanks. Because really, who can get enough of Tom Hanks?

5. Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Actor for Beginners. However, he loses his Oscar pool to Kenneth Branagh because Plummer was “totally guessing” on the Short Film categories.

6. Martin Scorsese wins Best Director for Hugo but is unable to make it through his acceptance speech without referencing esoteric films such as Luchino Visconti’s Il Gattopardo and Roberto Rossellini’s La Prise de pouvoir par Louis XIV. The cameras again cut back to Tom Hanks.

7. Reporters on the red carpet interview Nick Nolte without realizing he’s not Gary Busey.

8. In lieu of the musical numbers, Cirque du Soleil performs an acrobatic interpretation of the infamous Bridesmaids bathroom scene.

9. A presenter attempts to explain the difference between sound editing and sound mixing because, despite the fact that they do this every year, nobody still seems to have any clue.

10. The ‘In Memorium’ montage accidentally includes Charlie Sheen because, well, the producers kind of just figured.

11. Billy Crystal makes his triumphant return and receives a 15 minute standing ovation, forcing the telecast to skip the documentary awards. In his opening bit, Crystal spoofs Midnight in Paris by going back in time to hang out with the failed hosts of past Oscar telecasts. During the sketch, he gets high with James Franco and forgets the rest of his lines. Regardless, your parents are just happy to have Billy Crystal back hosting the Academy Awards.

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10 Super Bowl Bets You Should Make

Posted on February 3, 2012 | Leave a comment

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It’s Super Bowl time, and what better way to pretend you care who wins than by gambling! In addition to betting on the winner, gamblers often place ‘prop bets’ on various fun details such as who scores first, the number of fumbles, and who wins the coin toss. Still not enough? Here are ten more side bets you and your friends should make:

Number of times announcers refer to this year’s Super Bowl as a rematch of four years ago
Over/Under 12.5

 

Number of times announcers use the word ‘overshadow’ when referring to Eli and Peyton Manning
Over/Under 16.5

 

Likelihood of some dude at your Super Bowl party half-jokingly mentioning his man-crush on Tom Brady
Yes +300
No -100

 

During ‘God Bless America,’ Tim Tebow miraculously appears before audiences in a vision … which actually just turns out to be a cutaway shot of him in the stands.
Yes +250
No -150

 

Odds that Elton John makes a surprise appearance during the halftime show and starts playing ‘Rocket Man’ in the middle of Madonna’s performance.  The battle quickly devolves into an all out catfight which eventually gets broken up by Slash, who just happens to be nearby for some reason.
Yes +175
No -125

 

In addition to reprising his role as ‘Ferris Bueller’ in Honda’s much hyped Super Bowl ad, Matthew Broderick also appears in Suzuki’s less publicized ‘Deck the Halls’ ad.
Yes -100
No +500

 

Number of Bud Light ads featuring man-children who come up with clever ways to secretly drink crappy beer instead of going shopping with their wives while attempting to popularize a ridiculous new buzz word like ‘Freshability’ or ‘Dudification’
Over/Under – 2.5

 

Point at which people realize Super Bowl ads aren’t actually that good anymore
Before overtly sexual but illogical Go Daddy ad  +250
After second Pepsi ad with grossly underutilized celebrity cameo  +325
After fan-made Doritos ad with special effects made using free iPhone app  +150
During ad referencing much better Super Bowl ad from ten years ago +400

 

Odds that someone makes a ‘Sh*t People Watching the Super Bowl Say’ video
Yes +1000
No N/A

 

Odds that despite all the excitement, you won’t even be able to remember the score of the game by Tuesday
Yes +500
No -200

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Oscar Picks from the Presidential Candidates

Posted on January 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

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Oscar season is just around the corner and people everywhere are weighing in with their thoughts on best picture – even the Presidential candidates. Is this really the best use of their time? In most cases, yes it definitely is.

Mitt Romney

My favorite film of the year has to be The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  I’m a big fan of the book and thought Fincher brought a gritty, post-punk sensibility to the film by interweaving a hard-edged psychosexual thriller with intimate scenes of anguish and moral despair.  Nah, who am I kidding?  I liked War Horse.

 

Rick Santorum

My pick for best film is Clint Eastwood’s deftly crafted biopic J. Edgar - because nobody does masculinity quite like Clint.  What I like best about the film is the complete and total lack of homosexuality.  Not a hint, whatsoever.  Leo and that Winklevoss twin?  Just a couple of very close, very handsome friends.  With their piercing blue eyes and well-defined jaws and bulging muscles.  So masculine and heterosexual.  My only real complaint is that they left out the other Winklevoss – but you take what you can get.

Rick Perry

God told me to vote for Rango.  I didn’t understand some parts but I loved me that hilarious cartoon lizard and the crazy armadiller. Throw in some good old-fashioned Wild West gunslingin’ and you’ve got yourself a movie.  Yee-haw!

Newt Gingrich

The Artist was a compelling look at the silent movie era, which really spoke to me as a “historian.”  I also appreciated the fact that the film was silent, as it allowed me to listen to myself talk instead.

 

Michele Bachmann

I’m gonna have to go with Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody’s latest collaboration Young Adult.  I found Charlize Theron’s unflinching portrayal of the former queen bee who is now completely out of the picture to be a very relatable one – particularly the scenes where she acts like a crazy bitch.

 

Ron Paul

I don’t know … Moneyball was supposed to be pretty good, right? Does it have to be from this year?  To be honest, I haven’t seen a movie since The Sound of Music.  In fact, I don’t think there should even be an Oscars.  Instead of leaving it up to the big Academy establishment, I propose the actors duke it out in a no-holds barred bareknuckle boxing match.  Bloody lips, broken noses … you know, all that good stuff.  Most teeth remaining wins.  So, I guess either Moneyball or that.

Barack Obama

I really connected with The Descendants, Alexander Payne’s emotionally grounded film about letting go of the past, dealing with compromise, and defending your Hawaiian heritage.  But also, if I didn’t pick it, Clooney threatened to vote Republican.

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The 2011 Wish List

Posted on December 6, 2011 | 1 Comment

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The Wish List is a compilation of the best unproduced, unwritten screenplays in Hollywood.  The second annual list is determined based on a comprehensive voting process involving a tribunal of studio development executives, the BCS computer ranking algorithm, the United States Electoral College, and Sharon Osbourne.

Please remember, The Wish List is not a “best of” list. It is, at best, a “waste of the next few minutes of your life.”

Enjoy.

REPUBLICANS AND ALIENS

A political sci-fi crossover in which Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, and Michele Bachmann must join forces with an intergalactic alien army to prevent a band of illegal immigrants from crossing the border.

SNAGGED

When his only daughter’s bag of pretzel M&Ms goes missing at the petting zoo, a vengeful father sets out to track it down.  TAKEN but with goats.

KELVIN + TINA = XOXO <3 4EVA ;)

After burning a mixed CD for his secret crush, shy high school freshman Kelvin gets arrested for online piracy.  A nonlinear romantic dramedy that jumps back and forth in time throughout his parole sentence. 

SEAL TEAM 7

An animated family film about a herd of seven lazy elephant seals from Antarctica that gets recruited to assassinate Osama Bin Laden.  Seth Rogen will voice all seven seals.

READY TO ASSEMBLE

A remake of Svenn Hjürgynssön’s gritty Swedish crime thriller GUNFIRE KILL SQUAD DEATH KILL that follows a gang of street thugs who attempt to rob an Ikea but get entangled in an all-night hostage standoff armed only with Allen wrenches.

GROOMSMAIDS  

When his fiancee leaves for her bachelorette party, an uptight guy and his slacker groomsmen throw their own bachelorette party in order to prove that guys are still just as raunchy as girls.  A male Bridesmaids.  Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day probably attached.

MIXED SIGNALS

A found footage horror film about a grad student who video chats on his iPhone with his long distance girlfriend when the call mysteriously starts to drop out. Is it a bad Wi-Fi signal or is Siri turning into a jealous psychopath? (Spoiler alert: it’s a bad Wi-Fi signal.)

THE SOMEWHAT EXCEPTIONAL LIFE OF THE MILDLY AMAZING SPANDEX BOY

Based on the cult graphic novel, a dorky high school student who keeps getting beat up starts dressing like a superhero … which pretty much only makes things worse.

MONEYHOOP

An edge-of-your-seat conference room drama that follows NBA Players Association executive director Billy Hunter as he battles Commissioner David Stern in a laborious collective bargaining negotiation.  James Franco attached as the neutral third party mediator – and also as dolly grip.

CIRCLED

When a self-absorbed guy gets circled on Google+, he does whatever happens when you get circled on Google+.

ADAPTING ADAPTATION

While attempting to adapt the self-reflexive Charlie Kaufman film ADAPTATION, a struggling playwright realizes that his very attempt to adapt ADAPTATION is actually the adaptation.  A Charlie Kaufman-esque tale in the vein of ADAPTATION.

STALK

A retelling of JACK AND THE BEANSTALK, flipped on its head and told from the point of view of the beanstalk.

I WANT TO F**K YOUR BRAINS OUT

A raunchy romantic comedy about a seemingly innocent, dorky girl who turns out to be a tiger in bed.  Currently in development under the new title GETTING BUSY.  Offer automatically out to Emma Stone.  And as always, Betty White is attached.

The 2010 Wish List

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Holiday Cards From Your Favorite Public Figures

Posted on December 2, 2011 | Leave a comment

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The holidays are upon us. Yes, it’s that magical time of year when we complain about how early they play Christmas music, pepper spray our fellow shoppers, and actually use snail mail to send out our holiday cards. Here’s a look at the cards sent out by some of this year’s most intriguing people … and by ‘intriguing’ I mean nutjobs.
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